Cryptic

First Published in Column Eight on the 17^th June, 1992

During the summer holidays this year we got our teeth into the daily paper’s cryptic crosswords, and occasionally managed to complete a whole one before the next day’s paper arrived. Then they were abruptly discontinued.

Blow me down, we’d only got over the cold turkey shock and the crosswords were reinstated. Now my wife and I spend ‘quality time’ together (totally ignoring the kids, that is), trying to puzzle out the many-ways-interpretable clues that are provided.

The reason I mention cryptic crosswords is because an Australian theologian seems to have gone to her office one Monday morning and mixed up the notes for her latest book with the daily paper’s crossword.

Iin the course of solving the clues a revelatory light has dawned and she’s come to the harebrained conclusion that the Gospel writers spent all their time composing cryptic crosswords.

Dr Barbara Thiering reads the Gospels as though nothing means what it says. Thus Jesus never died on the cross; saints ain’t holy, merely celibate; being dead means being alive, but boycotted; and vinegar has become snake poison mixed with wine.

She even sees things no one else ever had a clue about: after Jesus survived the crucifixion, he was married twice, had three kids, and died of old age.

At first I thought she’d be better to give up theologic career and try her hand at producing cryptic crosswords. But I don’t think she’d succeed; when it comes to the truth I think she’s clueless.

Another person who seems to be good at understanding things no one else can see is the city council’s traffic engineer. According to him Dunedin drivers take longer to get used to changes than drivers in other parts of the country.

Mr Ward allegedly said: ‘Dunedin drivers were not used to having to give way to other traffic as they were seldom in that position themselves’ – whatever that means. I can only assume he and the reporter were concentrating on the cryptic crossword during the interview.

Well, I drive south down Andersons Bay Rd most mornings. When there is no signage to indicate that what was a traffic lane yesterday isn’t today, and that a roundabout has risen up overnight, and that we still give way to the right even though the road appears to run straight ahead, I think we deserve a bouquet not a brickbat.

Many Dunedin drivers are finding the shambling Roslyn shemozzle enough of a cryptic puzzle at the moment without the Andersons Bay random roundabout. Two in one month is enough to drive anyone to cross words.

In this survey of things puzzling, I have one last comment.

Up north in Gisborne, a place where they’re out to do something about crime, the police are publishing a monthly paper with the face of a local baddy prominently displayed.

Though I can’t say this would encourage me to go up to a crim in a public bar and tell him to hop it, having your photo plastered all over the town might, however, encourage aforesaid crim to make himself scarce, if he wanted a quiet life.

I see Dunedin’s police spokesman has wisely suggested we follow in Gisborne’s footsteps. Amazingly, someone opposes his view and claims photos will label the crim as a crim. That seems fair enough. After all, the biggest problems with half these guys is to get them to admit they’ve done wrong. Putting them in prison doesn’t do it, just keeps them out of the ordinary citizen’s hair for a while.

As a rule, recidivists – crims who see it as a career – haven’t been brought up with the idea that apologising is good, and reparation better. They want to carry on their life of crime without having to answer for anything.

I’m sick of the victims being the only ones who really suffer, and I’m sick of super-tolerant people saying the baddies shouldn’t be punished in any way, merely rehabilitated. Let them face up to what they are.

Now what’s the answer to ‘sees evil as good and good as evil’ in five letters, starting with f and ending with s…?

Courtesy LissaRhys 

Interestingly enough, there's an article on Barbara Thiering by Lloyd Geering, New Zealand's most famous heretic, himself not known for being impressed by the Gospels as entirely factual, which pulls her 'theology' to pieces.