Inconsistencies

First published in Column 8 on the 26^th January, 1994

Dear Bro (on postcard of Cathedral Square),
This year we went to Christchurch for our holidays. We took most of the children. We really enjoyed ourselves. The days of having fun holiday have not passed.
Yours, Mike.

Dear Mike (postcard of Eketahuna garage),
Glad to hear things went better this year. Did I say I enjoyed your list of things you learned in ’93? Learn anything else on holiday?
Big Bro

Dear Bro (on Orana Park stationery),
Learnt about inconsistencies. Learnt not to give up on people – there’s always hope for change. (Not sure if I can relate that to Saddam Hussein or Idi Amind, however.) learnt that people (and spelling) aren’t consistent.

Learnt also that if I’d put money on certain horses one week – I didn’t, Bro, so calm down – I’d have done very well. And if I’d followed the same laid-back ‘system’ the following week, all the nags would have left me broke. (They didn’t, because I only used play money.)

I finally learnt what quinellas and trifectas are, as well as Burlington Berties, Double Carpets and Trixies. I also learnt new meanings for Patent, Yankee and Canadian!

Horses are inconsistent brutes, but it was an interesting holiday exercise, all the same.

Learnt, also, that there’s something very inconsistent about advertising for staff. We’ve known for a while, Bro, that you can’t, e.g., advertise for a male member of staff – you must advertise gender-undefined. But does that stop you taking on a male member of staff anyway, and turning down all the females who’ve wasted their time applying?

The Press told us about a Japanese shop-manager who advertised for a male and was rapped over the knuckles by the HRC. Presumably, she could still have rejected all the females who applied, couldn’t she? What do you think, Bro?
Yours, Mike

Dear Mike (postcard of a different Eketahuna garage)
I don’t know everything, but as sometimes happens, your answer seems to make sense. Why do you ask me questions like these? It’s only January.
Yours, tired already, Bro

Dear Bro (typed on computer paper)
I learnt from the correspondence columns of the Press that no matter how good and sensible and life-saving an item is, some people will always object to using it. Bicycle helmets, for instance. The ‘I’ve been cycling for 40 years and I’ve never had an accident’ approach. You’d think they’d want to encourage those who were only just starting cycling to make it through their own 40 years, wouldn’t you?

And I notice another inconsistency. In the pages of both the Press and the Times, there have been discussions on world population explosions and birth control – especially for those naughty nations where there are people who refuse to practice the latter.

I was interested in the comments of the one correspondent. She said that the most densely populated areas in the world were the most developed and affluent: Holland, for instance. Yet the IPPF’s population control programmes concentrated on Third World countries.

She said, ‘poverty is caused by economic and social factors, as we are discovering in this country,’ not lack of birth control. The Third World represents ‘a threat to the economic monopoly of the developed world, so kill them off through birth and economic regulations.’ What do you reckon, Bro?
Yours, Lil’ Mickey.

Dear Mick (postcard of Taumarunui garage – who knows where my brother lives?)
I reckon you’re getting too serious and heavy for the beginning of the year. Lighten up, brother. Forget the debates – I’m more interested in what you learned on holiday.
Your weary Bro

Dear tossed and turned Bro,
I also learnt 15 different ways to make my column look varied and interesting. Did you notice?

 

Cathedral Square, and its famous cathedral, were wrecked by two major earthquakes less than fifteen years later, in 2010 and 2011.

Burlington Berties, Double Carpets and Trixies are all traditional UK horse racing and sports betting terms:

• Burlington Berties: Slang for odds of 100/30 (or 10/3). The name comes from traditional bookmaker tic-tac rhyming slang, inspired by the famous early 20th-century music hall song Burlington Bertie from Bow.
• Double Carpets: Slang for odds of 33/1. In betting jargon, a "carpet" represents 3/1 odds (derived from the old criminal slang "carpet" meaning a three-month prison sentence). Repeating it as a "double carpet" signifies 33/1.
• Trixies: A type of multiple combination wager consisting of 4 separate bets across three different selections (3 doubles and 1 treble). A punter only needs two of the selections to win to secure a financial return.