Odorous

First published in Column 8 on the 9^th September, 1992

Most people will have seen those unbelievable television ads in which a man lifts his head, sniffs the air (like some hunting dog on the scent of prey) and moments later is chasing after a woman to offer her flowers – all because of the perfume she’s wearing.

Or equally absurd, the ad in which some fellow races round darkened streets in the rain – even over the roofs of cars – shouting, ‘Why Me?’ because dozens of screaming women with nary an umbrella or raincoat between them are hysterically chasing him. All because of his body perfume.

The social consequences of being accosted by a total stranger – or in the case of us men, by innumerable total strangers – merely because we’re wearing a perfume, need some thought and consideration. Do we really want to start a relationship with someone of the opposite [word I can’t mention] because their smell is irresistible?

And on what basis would such a relationship continue? Once the effects of the smell/scent/perfume had worn off, would we be tossed in the trash heap like an empty bottle?

All this by way of introduction to a rather odd item of ‘news’ reported from Chicago this week. Supposedly the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation has discovered an odorant (I guess I always knew there was an opposite to deodorant) that will encourage gamblers in Las Vegas to waste even more of their millions while trying to win a few extra bucks.

(By the way, doesn’t that word ‘treatment’ in the title of this Foundation rather put you off – it reminds me of a certain public utility dealing with effluent. And equally by the way, I see that effluent discharged from Mosgiel into the Taieri River is now of a better quality. Ain’t life grand?)

While the gamblers were striving to force the one-armed bandits to give them a payout, the machines emitted a secret weapon. The unfortunate gamblers’ ‘normal’ addiction was no longer considered sufficient to keep them at the machines. Now they had little choice – the monsters enticed them, not to give flowers, but more of the gamblers’ hard-earned cash.

The neurologist who conducted the experiment claimed it could soon be common for odorants to play a part in Las Vegas life. Contending against that kind of unfair weaponry would make me even less likely to visit the gambling mecca. Either that or I’d be taking along something that put the slot machines and their owners in their place. One of those dog repellents might do, or the stuff that’s used to kill flies.

Worse still, this idea of aroma-ising people to spend money will have an appeal beyond the gambling trade. After all, some retailers don’t have the fragrance of a fish shop or florist to draw their customers in the door.

Think of bookshops for instance. Bookaholics already have enough problem resisting the temptation of the newly-printed page. (Though when I picked up a copy of Barbara Thiering’s new book the other day, I was repelled by the smell of the ink. How curious – maybe it’s intended to repulse unsympathetic readers.)

Imagine if a bookaholic went into a bookshop and found him or herself being driven to buy all manner of books because of some irresistible scent. The penurious state of bookaholics in this country would be worse than ever. There would be thefts of booksellers’ tokens on a grand scale.

I suggest we consider banning the use of scents in any shape or form if they’ve going to be used in such an underhand (or underarmed) way. Let’s go natural and join BIMBO! (Bring In More Body Odours.)

Alan R Hirsch was the Neurological Director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation.  He’s the author of a large number of apparently successful books, not all of which have received favourable reviews.