Sunday, July 20, 2008

I still hate vacuum cleaners

Sometime ago I wrote an article entitled I Hate Vacuum Cleaners. I haven’t changed my mind.
The vacuum cleaner we bought some time before we went to England last year has now pretty much conked out on us, and we’re having to borrow our daughter’s cleaner. (Fortunately she lives upstairs.) I notice that even on her relatively new cleaner bits are falling off left, right and centre.
Yes, I understand that vacuum cleaners lead a hard life and are very much under-appreciated (it’s certainly more difficult to lift all your carpets, haul them outside, throw them over a handy line and then beat them for a morning). But they deserve what they get. I won’t go into all the reasons now, because I talk about them in my article, but suffice to say that the people from the I Love Vacuum Cleaners Association (ILVaCA) get very little change from me.
I’ve just been reading a piece on Kirby vacuum cleaners, and their claim to be very reliable and light to move about. They should be reliable; here in New Zealand they cost a fortune. I didn’t realise they’d been around so long (1907); I thought they were relative newcomers to the vacuum cleaning field. Reliable or light, personally I don’t think it matters whether you use Sebo vacuums, or Kirbys, or Dysons, Hoovers, or Electrolux or any of the other dozens of brands. They’re all tarred with the same brush.
You see, vacuum cleaners have an association themselves: the I Hate Humans Association (IHHA – yes, I know it’ not easy to pronounce, but vacuums have more ability with the letter H than humans have – it’s something to do with having so much air sucked through them). From the IHHA Manifesto (which I've managed, by devious means, to acquire) we learn that their underhand methods are simply part of a plan to be released from all work that involves suction, being pulled around, and having your innards emptied regularly.
Next time your vacuum gets stuck on the corner of a door, don’t just assume it’s accidental. It’s not; no machine could get caught up in the ways vacuums do.
It’s a conspiracy.

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